Team 20!! "Baby I'm a be your motivation"

Dear Motivation,

Where have you been? I miss you! #thatisall

LOL

No seriously! I started off this year reflective, engaged, motivated and then something happened. I'm not quite certain what that something was but I got lazy, content, comfortable...misplaced my motivation. Typically, I would blame it on the winter (my hibernation season) but we didn't have much of a winter so I have no excuse. So a mere 3 months into this new year I've got to revisit my resolutions and navigate my way back on board. The only way I know how to jump start this transition is to enlist the help of others to hold me accountable. And this is where you come in. There are 3 major goals I have and I need you to remind, encourage, and check in with me on.

First up, I know many have been waiting on a weight loss update so here it is. I have lost about 80 pounds and am still close to 20 away from my goal and 40 or so away from my ideal weight. Now I have talked to the nutritionist and doctor and they have reminded me that I can't be fixated on a number and need to be more concerned with my body composition, but if you know me you know my mind is set and I won't be satisfied until I hit my mark. I actually went to a support group last week and they gave us a booklet entitled The 21 most common mistakes weight loss surgery patients make. Funny cause I probably do most of the 21 things and I'm sure it's keeping me away from those 20 pounds I need to feel accomplished. So in keeping with the theme Team 20 is now in full effect. Hit me up if you want to join. Perhaps we can keep each other on track.

I live in my head so I needed to shock myself into getting over the fact that I hit a stall, actually more like a slowing, in my weight loss. Visuals always work for me and its nice to be able to see how far I've come instead of dwelling on how far I need/want to go. Baby steps...it's all a process.

Whew, yea...my sentiments exactly! I feel better already.

The second task I've been sidelining is a return to school. While I miss being in the classroom, learning new things, and the stimulation/engagement that comes with tackling new material I do not miss homework, papers, additional student loans. Those are things that I'm just not the least bit interested in taking on at this point in my life and I'm ok with that. However, I know I need to stay on top of the research in my field and get all of my continuing education credits but license renewal isn't until next year and you guessed it...I'm not motivated!! LOL So I'm shifting gears and I have an appointment at Eastern University later this month for a school counseling certification. Hoping to get certified without having to do a second masters program so keeping my fingers crossed and waiting for my transcript review.

Finally, I've gotta give back way more consistently than I have been. I've been blessed tremendously and I know that I would not be the person I am today had it not been for the generosity of others. The teachers who's classrooms were converted for therapy sessions after school, the folks who sent care packages to a broke college student, the friends who called just because, all those who have been there to empower and uplift. I've got to do more...I want to do more. There's always a reason why not...not enough time, not enough money, not enough energy. Re shifting my perspective and focusing on the importance of why. Because someones life could be saved/impacted/changed...that's way more important than any excuse I could ever think of.

Exposed!!

I was sitting in training the other day and I actually felt like I was in an episode on Muppet Babies when the Nanny comes in to talk. Waaa…waaa…waankidy….waaa. Yep, that’s all I heard after about 30 minutes into this half day adventure. And then the facilitator said something really profound and I snapped back to reality for at least 10 minutes before I started writing this blog in my head. Anywho, he said (and I quote him loosely…I told you I wasn’t really paying attention) “When we are young we are afraid of the dark because of what it may hide. As adults we often fear the light because of what it may expose.”



What are you afraid of having exposed?? Hmmm, that’s a list I know many of you would die to see. I know some others who would die if it ever surfaced. But this is about me and my journey so pipe down. I won’t put you on blast…at least not today. LOL So I considered this in the context of my weight loss and the “new” me. I am fresh off of a clothing purge that was emotionally draining. Imagine waking up one day and losing all of your things. Dramatic…maybe a little, but that’s what it felt like. All the clothes I have accumulated over the years, the attachments formed with certain pieces, the memories tied to certain outfits, my favorite things…gone. I know you may think that I should be happy to get rid of these things knowing that it’s a place I’ll never go back to. And while there is a part of me that is excited by that, there is another piece of me that grieved over this loss. I get all of that “what really matters is what’s on the inside” crap, but some part of me manifested externally in my style. No my clothes didn’t define me, but they were a part of who I am. So you’re probably asking yourself where is she going with this? All of this forced me to think about what I’ve been hiding and why the role that my clothes have played in perpetuating the issues I have with my body. Those of you who know me well know that I have pretty much been overweight my entire life. I don’t remember a time when I was “average” size. I do recall that from the time I was allowed to pick out my own clothes that I shopped in the men’s section. Contrary to popular belief it has nothing to do with sexuality nor is it because guys just have cool clothes (ok maybe that’s a part of it). It was because I wanted to hide my body. I found early on that men’s clothes just fit me in a way that I felt more comfortable. I never had to worry about things being too tight or bulging out of garments. They just fit the way I liked. So you’re likely to find me perusing the men’s section in my favorite stores to this day.


Stay away from the light A.Tann…LOL.


I like to think that I have a pretty strong sense of self and a healthy self-esteem, but we all have our issues. And despite being heavy I never disliked my body. I was always solid…full even. Now over 60 pounds down and I find myself looking in the mirror, watching my body mass deteriorate, examining the changes and I’m struggling with what the light is exposing. The extra skin…the lack of definition…the curves that used to be but are no longer. What am I supposed to do with this new body that isn’t nearly as proportional as I would like it to be? The gym will get some things in order. However, I will inevitably end up getting some things nipped and tucked into place. Until then I’m going to have to work on being ok with myself.


Stepping into the light…Exposed!

525,600 minutes

You don't look a day older than 25...and that's because I'm not. Ha, I know, wishful thinking. Yesterday marked my 11,315th day on this earth. Math skills a little shabby?? That's 31 years folk. So as I reflected on the year that has passed since the last milestone was hit I instantly thought about all the trails and tribulations the year brought. And then I forced myself to reframe my thinking and dwell on the positive things that have occurred and the lessons learned from the more trying times. And as I opened my eyes on that beautiful Saturday morning and took in all the blessings that have been placed before me all I could do was smile. I spent the day surrounded by family and great friends. I was reminded of how by just being yourself you can sometimes touch the lives of others without even realizing it. We place so much value on material things when sometimes a simple hug goes a long way. A friend of mine wrote to me "Happy birthday beautiful! You have taken some great steps toward loving you so may God continue to bless this personal journey that you are on to peace, happiness, and love." And that is so reflective of exactly what I found in my 30th year. I discovered the ability to love myself unconditionally. Figured out that it is ok to put myself first and take care of my needs without feeling guilty about it. And in doing so not neglecting the needs of others just not making them a priority in my life. And so my journey to peace, happiness, and love continues.

525,600 minutes how do you measure a year in life? No matter how you count it up make the most of each moment. Here's to the best 525,600 minutes of my life as I embark on yet another year. I can't wait to see whats in store.

#NUFFSAID

Bitter Sweet

Alright so my two week post op appointment went well. Incisions healed and 20 pounds lost so I was riding high until I hit mid week and I dumped for the first time. What is dumping you may ask...

Dumping syndrome, or rapid gastric emptying, is a combination of symptoms that occur when an overly large meal, or a meal high in fat or sugar is consumed by a weight loss surgery patient. The meal is "dumped" into the small intestine when the stomach empties quickly, causing feelings of nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach gas, racing heart, cramps and cold sweats.

So yea, even after I vowed to never let this happen to me. It did and I thought I was going to die. First of all I ate some dang greek yogurt with fruit on the bottom and I guess I didn't mix it well enough so the sugar concentration was too high and my body had to reject it. Nothing like being on the toilet, throwing up and sweating bullets. Uggghh, I don't know how people intentionally do this to themselves by continuing to eat things they are not supposed to.

For the first time since I had surgery I actually had to ask myself what I have gotten into. But after about 30 minutes I returned to a coherent state and I was able to get myself together. They say that everyone experiences this at least once. I'm going to pray that this was my first and last time. In the meantime, my next appointment is next week and I will keep you all posted.

Something old...Something New

Who would’ve guessed that nearly a year has passed since I began this journey and here we go. I am one day away from having surgery that will drastically change my life in so many ways. Are you ready? A question that I have been asked countless times over the past few days. My response, as ready as I’m going to get. I mean can you ever really mentally or emotionally prepare for something that changes life as you have known it for the past 30 years in a little over an hour. I mean I’ve done the research, been to numerous doctors for clearances, attended support groups, and even made it through this grueling pre-op diet yet I still can’t quite wrap my head around what all of this means.



So I started this entry on the day before surgery and just really couldn’t find the words to finish it. Now here I am 5 days post op and I’m going to give it a go again. Where do I begin…


Surgery? What surgery??


When I posted that I was home from the hospital and doing well many people sent their well wishes along with questions about why I had surgery and if I was ok. The questions didn’t catch me off guard, but I found myself grappling with the appropriate way to answer. Should I respond individually or just post a blanket fb status with the details. Until now I have just left the questions unanswered. Not that it’s some big secret or I’m embarrassed just needed to find a time and forum that was appropriate for me. So again you are probably wondering…what is it? LOL Now I’m just prolonging my disclosure so you will continue reading. I crack me up. Anywho, on June 27th I had gastric bypass. Shocked? Yea, I know. I opted to only share this with my immediate family and a few close friends for several reasons. First, I didn’t want to answer a bunch of questions or potentially deal with folk who weren’t supportive. I only wanted positive energy surrounding me during this journey. Second, I needed to ensure that this was actually going to go down. I always consider the worst case scenario like what if I can’t get all of the clearances or my insurance denies the request. It would have been much easier to cope with a denial if the whole world didn’t know. By now I know many of you may be asking why? The most common response I have gotten is…”You aren’t even that big!” However, I am and regardless of how my body carries the excess weight I need to get it off and am looking to make lifestyle changes to be healthier down the line. A major misconception is that weight loss surgery is a quick fix. Actually, it’s not and is simply a tool to aid you in the process. Without dedication and commitment to forever changes the surgery will be ineffective. Good thing I choose a program that in addition to monthly support groups also offers a lifetime of follow up with the nutritionist, nurses, and doctor.


Second Thoughts


There are few things that I remember from the minutes leading up to surgery. However, I do remember thinking what the hell am I doing as I was waiting to be wheeled into the operating room. Months of preparation didn’t prepare me for those few seconds of uncertainty and anticipation. It’s kind of scary for a complete life change to be so tangible and in your face. So I sucked up those butterflies, prayed, and did some breathing exercises to calm myself down and shifted myself from the stretcher to the operating table. The last thing I remember was the doctor injecting the “good stuff” into my IV and looking up at the lights above the OR table and thinking to myself…this is just like the movies.




Hospital Hysteria


The next thing I recall is waking up in the recovery room. An area for folk who are just out of surgery and waiting for the anesthesia to wear off and prior to transfer to a permanent room. The pain was intense. Now I have a high threshold for pain and even though I have never given birth I would say this pain was very closely related to labor pains. SN: In that moment I also thought if this is what childbirth feels like…I’m good. The nurse came over and gave me some morphine along with the button to self-medicate every 8 minutes and I was back in heaven. Until, the woman in the next bed woke from her slumber screaming and moaning. And you all know my first response…I CAN’T!! lol She needed to be moved asaply because she was intruding on my peace. I had just enough strength to turn my head in her direction and shoot a death stare. Yup, I’m back!!


I hoped the transfer to my room would allow me to find that serenity again, but just my luck I had to share with yet another character. I am not sure what it is about me, but I must have a sign that says tell me your life story…I’m listening because in a matter of hours I knew her entire life story. I’ve got to do better at turning this off when I am not working. I guess I can actually give her credit for assisting in my recovery because I had to get away or risk being talked to death. NURSE…I think I’m ready to walk. And there I was 5 hours after surgery walking the halls with my butt out and IV in tow. I didn’t even care.


Now what?


So, I was discharged from the hospital on Wednesday and I’ve been trying my best to resist cabin fever ever since. My friends have been really good about rescuing me from these 4 walls and I get out to walk the dog several times a day. I am feeling great and down to only taking pain meds once a day. I’ll be on a liquid diet for the next 3 weeks. Yay for me. Lol By day 3 I was over chicken broth. Something has got to give. I will be able to introduce some additional liquids next week so I’m looking forward to that. In the meantime, I fight the psychological food battle that still goes on in my head. TV commercials, BBQs, trips to malls past the smell of food courts…it’s all a test. I’m embracing these challenges and thanking God for this resiliency and a great support system.




Speaking of a great support system, many of my friends have decided to embark on this journey with me. Not necessarily having surgery, but just learning more about this process and what it means. They have made the decision to become healthier along with me by eating better and becoming exercise buddies. I will continue to update my progress in the goings on in my life in this blog. We will also be blogging these experiences, having discussions and answering questions in another blog Through Thick and Thin. Read it, Like it, Friend it...Whatever.


http://friendsthroughitall.blogspot.com/


Sn: There is nothing posted yet. We are working on that.

Navigating Networks and such

Wow, I just realized that I have not blogged in several weeks. That doesn't mean that there hasn't been lots of stuff going on. Where to begin?? So, world I've been "defriended" on facebook. LOL I know it sounds silly, but my feelings were/are kinda hurt. I had to check myself, like really Alonda?? It's fb. I myself have done the clean sweep where I go through my friends list and remove folk who I "know but don't really know", people who I don't want to be associated with or who are no longer relevant fixtures in my life, and those who I just don't want to have access to my page. A cleanse/purge of sorts. That being said, I don't know why my panties were all in a bunch when I realized I had been a causality of someone else's purge. I guess it's because this one was personal and there is no more finality to the ending of a relationship then a social network defriending. Now I completely understand why this is a billion dollar industry. People are not just using social networks to network, reunite with high school buddies, or stay in touch with "friends". They are emotionally invested in these connections. I never understood before why 90% of the conflicts between my students stems from fb, why people have been killed over status updates, or how virtual bullying occurs until now. And I know some of you are thinking that all of this is happening because fb should have stayed a site for college students. Fact is, we don't conduct ourselves any better on fb than my 7th graders. At least many of them have parental supervision. We have become so dependant on maintaining our virtual friendships, updating statuses, and posting pictures that our "real" friendships have suffered. When was the last time you called an old buddy just to catch up instead of posting to their wall that you miss them and you need to catch up soon (something that never happens by the way)?? I'm guilty of this myself. It's almost sickening. I stayed off of fb for several weeks and it was so hard. I felt so isolated and disconnected from my world. Things were happening with my real life friends that I didn't know about because I wasn't checking updates, parties and events were going on in the city and I had no way of getting the info, people who have my cell phone number were trying to get in contact with me and couldn't?? LOL It's kind of ridiculous, but this is the way of the world now I suppose. I don't know about you, but I'm taking a stand...I can't give so much power/influence to things this trivial. I leaving any residual feelings right here in this text box. Happy friending folks :)

On to real life tangible friendships...can someone please give me insight on the selfish nature of friendships? I've been trying to process why it is that folks can be so selfish and if they cannot have a friendship with you on their terms it's difficult for them. And I admit my own selfishness. I grew up as the baby in my household, always got my way and whatever I wanted...somethings never change. However, I think I have learned to be compromising in my friendships. Especially the ones that I value. Boundaries are good in maintaining the longevity of a friendship and I just don't even know where else to go with this one. Perhaps boys and girls (gender being interpreted however you like) just can't have mutually platonic friendships. I was speaking with a psychologist the other day regarding weight loss surgery and I asked him why people become depressed after surgery. There were several reasons, but the point he made that stood out and made me a little sad was that the current state of some of your relationships is contingent upon you being fat. And as you change those relationship dynamics change as well and this can cause some friendships/relationships to end. I guess this can be applicable to any type of personal growth or change. There are going to be relationships that are sustainable through that change and those that are not. Only time will tell.

I rode past a church yesterday and their banner said Challenged by Faith, Guided by God. Pretty much sums up my feelings today. Happy Sunday folks.

Traces of Myself

Oh Eric...perhaps it's rather egocentric of me to believe that this song was crafted specifically for me as I am sure there are plenty of folk out there who can relate. Whether a break up has happened 2 years, 2 months, or 2 days ago there are pieces of us that hold on. I have often found myself considering time travel and examining the things I would change and/or do differently if given a chance to rewind time. Instead I've found myself on a different type of journey...one that has me seriously reflecting on my inability to love. Ok, that's a little extreme so let me say my inability to love completely. And what I have discovered is that with every ending, with every heartbreak or failed relationship I love a little less. In the realm of defense mechanisms I suppose this is an appropriate adaptation. In the realm of happiness not so much. Is it ever possible to experience that pure unfiltered "all in" type of love after being jaded by your past experiences?? Does this mean that when my life partner/soulmate is introduced to my life that I won't be able to receive them??


So the search for answers begin. I've talked to friends, read some articles and books, even considered another stint of counseling which is still an option, but nothing gave me the answers I was looking for. Until I remembered a sermon I watched on youtube a few months back after a fb friend posted it on his page. In it Juanita Bynum, who some of you may be familiar with, speaks to a group of singles (women specifically) regarding their inability to have successful relationships. I use the term successful loosely based on what her perception of successful is in this piece. Anywho, despite some of my resistance to internalizing anything that comes out of an often hypocritical and homophobic world of organized religion I found myself intrigued by this...

"until you get delivered in your spirit from all of the rest of the people you've been with...you're not ready"

Simply stated and oh so true. So much time is often spent comparing your current situation to those in the past. Making attempts to protect yourself from experiencing those hurts over again. So much so that you find yourself never loving completely and sometimes pushing good people out of your life. I had to laugh to myself because no less than a week ago I said that I was going into "asshole" mode. Meaning that I was going to start being selfish, disregarding others feelings and emotions, and giving way less of myself than I have in the past. I didn't even have to test drive asshole to realize it's not for me. That may work for some, but there's another way for me. And on that note I'm challenging myself to one day experience that "all-in" type of love again. Are you up for the challenge??

I'm not embedding the sermon, but if you want to check it out here's the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbHJhLWj2oA&playnext=1&list=PL46171A834B24B787

Peace & Blessings Lovely People