Traces of Myself

Oh Eric...perhaps it's rather egocentric of me to believe that this song was crafted specifically for me as I am sure there are plenty of folk out there who can relate. Whether a break up has happened 2 years, 2 months, or 2 days ago there are pieces of us that hold on. I have often found myself considering time travel and examining the things I would change and/or do differently if given a chance to rewind time. Instead I've found myself on a different type of journey...one that has me seriously reflecting on my inability to love. Ok, that's a little extreme so let me say my inability to love completely. And what I have discovered is that with every ending, with every heartbreak or failed relationship I love a little less. In the realm of defense mechanisms I suppose this is an appropriate adaptation. In the realm of happiness not so much. Is it ever possible to experience that pure unfiltered "all in" type of love after being jaded by your past experiences?? Does this mean that when my life partner/soulmate is introduced to my life that I won't be able to receive them??


So the search for answers begin. I've talked to friends, read some articles and books, even considered another stint of counseling which is still an option, but nothing gave me the answers I was looking for. Until I remembered a sermon I watched on youtube a few months back after a fb friend posted it on his page. In it Juanita Bynum, who some of you may be familiar with, speaks to a group of singles (women specifically) regarding their inability to have successful relationships. I use the term successful loosely based on what her perception of successful is in this piece. Anywho, despite some of my resistance to internalizing anything that comes out of an often hypocritical and homophobic world of organized religion I found myself intrigued by this...

"until you get delivered in your spirit from all of the rest of the people you've been with...you're not ready"

Simply stated and oh so true. So much time is often spent comparing your current situation to those in the past. Making attempts to protect yourself from experiencing those hurts over again. So much so that you find yourself never loving completely and sometimes pushing good people out of your life. I had to laugh to myself because no less than a week ago I said that I was going into "asshole" mode. Meaning that I was going to start being selfish, disregarding others feelings and emotions, and giving way less of myself than I have in the past. I didn't even have to test drive asshole to realize it's not for me. That may work for some, but there's another way for me. And on that note I'm challenging myself to one day experience that "all-in" type of love again. Are you up for the challenge??

I'm not embedding the sermon, but if you want to check it out here's the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbHJhLWj2oA&playnext=1&list=PL46171A834B24B787

Peace & Blessings Lovely People