Exposed!!

I was sitting in training the other day and I actually felt like I was in an episode on Muppet Babies when the Nanny comes in to talk. Waaa…waaa…waankidy….waaa. Yep, that’s all I heard after about 30 minutes into this half day adventure. And then the facilitator said something really profound and I snapped back to reality for at least 10 minutes before I started writing this blog in my head. Anywho, he said (and I quote him loosely…I told you I wasn’t really paying attention) “When we are young we are afraid of the dark because of what it may hide. As adults we often fear the light because of what it may expose.”



What are you afraid of having exposed?? Hmmm, that’s a list I know many of you would die to see. I know some others who would die if it ever surfaced. But this is about me and my journey so pipe down. I won’t put you on blast…at least not today. LOL So I considered this in the context of my weight loss and the “new” me. I am fresh off of a clothing purge that was emotionally draining. Imagine waking up one day and losing all of your things. Dramatic…maybe a little, but that’s what it felt like. All the clothes I have accumulated over the years, the attachments formed with certain pieces, the memories tied to certain outfits, my favorite things…gone. I know you may think that I should be happy to get rid of these things knowing that it’s a place I’ll never go back to. And while there is a part of me that is excited by that, there is another piece of me that grieved over this loss. I get all of that “what really matters is what’s on the inside” crap, but some part of me manifested externally in my style. No my clothes didn’t define me, but they were a part of who I am. So you’re probably asking yourself where is she going with this? All of this forced me to think about what I’ve been hiding and why the role that my clothes have played in perpetuating the issues I have with my body. Those of you who know me well know that I have pretty much been overweight my entire life. I don’t remember a time when I was “average” size. I do recall that from the time I was allowed to pick out my own clothes that I shopped in the men’s section. Contrary to popular belief it has nothing to do with sexuality nor is it because guys just have cool clothes (ok maybe that’s a part of it). It was because I wanted to hide my body. I found early on that men’s clothes just fit me in a way that I felt more comfortable. I never had to worry about things being too tight or bulging out of garments. They just fit the way I liked. So you’re likely to find me perusing the men’s section in my favorite stores to this day.


Stay away from the light A.Tann…LOL.


I like to think that I have a pretty strong sense of self and a healthy self-esteem, but we all have our issues. And despite being heavy I never disliked my body. I was always solid…full even. Now over 60 pounds down and I find myself looking in the mirror, watching my body mass deteriorate, examining the changes and I’m struggling with what the light is exposing. The extra skin…the lack of definition…the curves that used to be but are no longer. What am I supposed to do with this new body that isn’t nearly as proportional as I would like it to be? The gym will get some things in order. However, I will inevitably end up getting some things nipped and tucked into place. Until then I’m going to have to work on being ok with myself.


Stepping into the light…Exposed!