Sunday, January 30, 2011
Traces of Myself
Oh Eric...perhaps it's rather egocentric of me to believe that this song was crafted specifically for me as I am sure there are plenty of folk out there who can relate. Whether a break up has happened 2 years, 2 months, or 2 days ago there are pieces of us that hold on. I have often found myself considering time travel and examining the things I would change and/or do differently if given a chance to rewind time. Instead I've found myself on a different type of journey...one that has me seriously reflecting on my inability to love. Ok, that's a little extreme so let me say my inability to love completely. And what I have discovered is that with every ending, with every heartbreak or failed relationship I love a little less. In the realm of defense mechanisms I suppose this is an appropriate adaptation. In the realm of happiness not so much. Is it ever possible to experience that pure unfiltered "all in" type of love after being jaded by your past experiences?? Does this mean that when my life partner/soulmate is introduced to my life that I won't be able to receive them??
So the search for answers begin. I've talked to friends, read some articles and books, even considered another stint of counseling which is still an option, but nothing gave me the answers I was looking for. Until I remembered a sermon I watched on youtube a few months back after a fb friend posted it on his page. In it Juanita Bynum, who some of you may be familiar with, speaks to a group of singles (women specifically) regarding their inability to have successful relationships. I use the term successful loosely based on what her perception of successful is in this piece. Anywho, despite some of my resistance to internalizing anything that comes out of an often hypocritical and homophobic world of organized religion I found myself intrigued by this...
"until you get delivered in your spirit from all of the rest of the people you've been with...you're not ready"
Simply stated and oh so true. So much time is often spent comparing your current situation to those in the past. Making attempts to protect yourself from experiencing those hurts over again. So much so that you find yourself never loving completely and sometimes pushing good people out of your life. I had to laugh to myself because no less than a week ago I said that I was going into "asshole" mode. Meaning that I was going to start being selfish, disregarding others feelings and emotions, and giving way less of myself than I have in the past. I didn't even have to test drive asshole to realize it's not for me. That may work for some, but there's another way for me. And on that note I'm challenging myself to one day experience that "all-in" type of love again. Are you up for the challenge??
I'm not embedding the sermon, but if you want to check it out here's the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbHJhLWj2oA&playnext=1&list=PL46171A834B24B787
Peace & Blessings Lovely People
Friday, January 21, 2011
No,No,No,No,No...
Images of Beyonce and Destiny's Child waving their fingers in the air came to mind as my nutritionist ran down the list of No's. In case you need an update, I am strongly considering, probably about 83% set on, having gastric bypass surgery this summer. With that comes a whole lifestyle change that is both exciting and frightening at the same time. I have days where I am all in followed closely by bursts of anxiety and thoughts of calling the whole thing off. More often than not, the positives far outweigh the negatives and so I forge forward in this process. One thing I can appreciate is that my doctor doesn't just rush folk into surgery and there are a series of medical and psychological clearances as well as personal goals/changes that must be met prior to the procedure.
About the No's : /
My nutritionist is kinda hardcore. On my first visit she basically laid down the law like we're not going to bullshit or skate around the issues and I'm going to let you know day 1 what you will no longer be able to eat once this surgery is performed. This way you know what you're getting into and you can either get on board or back out now before we waste time. I can appreciate this approach because it forced me to examine my life and decide if this was right for me. So here's the list. Just imagine and see if this is something that you could do.
No drinking during a meal, 15 minutes before or 15 minutes after a meal.
I know it's kind of random, but basically your stomach size is going to be reduced significantly and you have to allow space to get food/nutrients into your system. If you drink immediately before, during, or after a meal there will be no space in your belly.
No Straws
Similar reason as the first. Straws allow air to get in the belly which can be extremely uncomfortable.
No Concentrated Sugar
Limits on the amount of sugar you can digest. And since there is sugar in just about everything this may be the most extreme change. That's no cake, no candy, no juice, basically nothing sweet. The part of your stomach that breaks down sugar will be diminished and you will be unable to break the sugars down. Result....sick, sick, sick. She assured me that everyone tries to sneak at least once and just once. The result is something called dumping. This can occur very quickly and basically your body will get the excess sugar out whatever way it can. That can mean being pushed out of every opening. Have you ever had a really bad stomach bug and had to sit on the toilet and hold a bucket at the same time? Yea...this is similar.
No Soda
Small belly + carbonated beverages = bad idea
No Caffeine
No Alcohol
Small belly + alcoholic beverages = drunk,drunk,drunk
So the part of your stomach that breaks down alcohol will be completely bypassed meaning any alcohol consumed is going to go straight into your system. Over time you may be able to tolerate a few sips or 1 drink but that could be years down the line.
Whew, that was as exhausting typing as it is thinking about on a daily basis.
About the No's : /
My nutritionist is kinda hardcore. On my first visit she basically laid down the law like we're not going to bullshit or skate around the issues and I'm going to let you know day 1 what you will no longer be able to eat once this surgery is performed. This way you know what you're getting into and you can either get on board or back out now before we waste time. I can appreciate this approach because it forced me to examine my life and decide if this was right for me. So here's the list. Just imagine and see if this is something that you could do.
No drinking during a meal, 15 minutes before or 15 minutes after a meal.
I know it's kind of random, but basically your stomach size is going to be reduced significantly and you have to allow space to get food/nutrients into your system. If you drink immediately before, during, or after a meal there will be no space in your belly.
No Straws
Similar reason as the first. Straws allow air to get in the belly which can be extremely uncomfortable.
No Concentrated Sugar
Limits on the amount of sugar you can digest. And since there is sugar in just about everything this may be the most extreme change. That's no cake, no candy, no juice, basically nothing sweet. The part of your stomach that breaks down sugar will be diminished and you will be unable to break the sugars down. Result....sick, sick, sick. She assured me that everyone tries to sneak at least once and just once. The result is something called dumping. This can occur very quickly and basically your body will get the excess sugar out whatever way it can. That can mean being pushed out of every opening. Have you ever had a really bad stomach bug and had to sit on the toilet and hold a bucket at the same time? Yea...this is similar.
No Soda
Small belly + carbonated beverages = bad idea
No Caffeine
No Alcohol
Small belly + alcoholic beverages = drunk,drunk,drunk
So the part of your stomach that breaks down alcohol will be completely bypassed meaning any alcohol consumed is going to go straight into your system. Over time you may be able to tolerate a few sips or 1 drink but that could be years down the line.
Whew, that was as exhausting typing as it is thinking about on a daily basis.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
On Gratitude...
So I've been resisting 3am blogs all week, but tonights/this mornings has been intruding on my sleepy thoughts all night. I was extremely intrigued as I'm sure many of you were by Mr. Ted Williams, the homeless man with the "Golden Voice", and his story of success to the slums to overnight sensation based on a viral youtube video that allowed him to display his talents. Now granted his story is amazing. Anyone who can overcome an addiction gets my applause. However, I was more touched by his enthusiasm, his words, and most of all his sense of gratitude at being given another chance at life. In particular, there was a segment on the Today show where he was asked what would be different this time around. Apparently he has wavered many past opportunities because of irresponsibility and drug use, but he assured the world that things would be different this time. Why?? Because of his relationship with God and most importantly because he vowed to always remember where his blessings came from and to give thanks each and every day. Now those of you who know me know that I'm not an outrageously religious person...more spiritual and devoted to my own personal relationship with a higher being but there was something about the genuiness of his answer that touched me. And his response wasn't prescripted and it wasn't typical addict babble...not meaning to sound harsh, but those of you who have worked with addicts know what I'm talking about. It was spontaneous, thoughtful, and sincere so I thought...
When was the last time you gave thanks??
I had to ask myself this question and the fact that it took me several minutes (ok days) to come up with an answer was troubling. I've spent much of my time over the past several weeks/months/year dwelling on the things I don't have, what could be better in my life, the losses. So much so that I have forgotten to give thanks all the blessings I have been granted. At the end of the day I'm healthy, I have great family and friends, I have a wonderful career that allows me to do something I love, and I wake up every day with a sense of purpose. So from this day forth I am making it my personal quest to acknowledge what I am grateful for on a daily basis.
And right this second I am thankful for Sunday morning mimosas, steak, and eggs...lol
Good Day, Go Forth, Be Blessed, and Be Thankful.
When was the last time you gave thanks??
I had to ask myself this question and the fact that it took me several minutes (ok days) to come up with an answer was troubling. I've spent much of my time over the past several weeks/months/year dwelling on the things I don't have, what could be better in my life, the losses. So much so that I have forgotten to give thanks all the blessings I have been granted. At the end of the day I'm healthy, I have great family and friends, I have a wonderful career that allows me to do something I love, and I wake up every day with a sense of purpose. So from this day forth I am making it my personal quest to acknowledge what I am grateful for on a daily basis.
And right this second I am thankful for Sunday morning mimosas, steak, and eggs...lol
Good Day, Go Forth, Be Blessed, and Be Thankful.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
I Hope You Dance...
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
And so I'm cultivating my rain dance...
Apparently I have made it into 2011. I was rather numb when the literal transition occurred and even though I was surrounded by friends and festivities my mind was elsewhere. I have found myself in this space way more often than I'm like to admit...being a voyeur of sorts. I can be in a place surrounded by people and find myself feeling like an outsider, floating through the masses and peering into the lives of others. Sometimes its a really interesting place to be because I pick up on the things that make others tick, their quirks, or the things they do when they think no one is looking and I can usually get a little giggle out of it. On the other hand, it can also be a somewhat lonely and isolating place when I feel like I can't control it and it inhibits my ability to enjoy those around me. I've always lived inside my head just recognizing it more these days.
My friends have chastised me in the past for reverting into my shell when I'm dealing with a problem. I think it's difficult for people to understand that while I enjoy people and am often the center of attention that I am kind of an emotional introvert. I need to sit with my thoughts and feelings before I am ready to share outwardly. There's something about raw emotion that makes me uncomfortable. My processing style can be alienating but don't take it personal. Just know that I will reemerge a stronger, smarter, more mindful person than I was before.
So for now I'm internalizing...and choreographing my rain dance.
And so I'm cultivating my rain dance...
Apparently I have made it into 2011. I was rather numb when the literal transition occurred and even though I was surrounded by friends and festivities my mind was elsewhere. I have found myself in this space way more often than I'm like to admit...being a voyeur of sorts. I can be in a place surrounded by people and find myself feeling like an outsider, floating through the masses and peering into the lives of others. Sometimes its a really interesting place to be because I pick up on the things that make others tick, their quirks, or the things they do when they think no one is looking and I can usually get a little giggle out of it. On the other hand, it can also be a somewhat lonely and isolating place when I feel like I can't control it and it inhibits my ability to enjoy those around me. I've always lived inside my head just recognizing it more these days.
My friends have chastised me in the past for reverting into my shell when I'm dealing with a problem. I think it's difficult for people to understand that while I enjoy people and am often the center of attention that I am kind of an emotional introvert. I need to sit with my thoughts and feelings before I am ready to share outwardly. There's something about raw emotion that makes me uncomfortable. My processing style can be alienating but don't take it personal. Just know that I will reemerge a stronger, smarter, more mindful person than I was before.
So for now I'm internalizing...and choreographing my rain dance.
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