I've been debating back and forth about starting a blog and initially I was just going to utilize this as a sort of electronic form of journaling. Then I decided that there is no higher form of accountability than writing things out and actually publishing it for others to see. Not only do I want feedback, but I will depend on you all to monitor and encourage my progress as well. I ask your forgiveness in advance for my ramblings and tangents. There is no rhyme or reason to this so just roll with it.
It may seem odd to proceed into a new year dwelling on the losses of the previous one, but that seems to be the prominent theme of my 2010 experience. I need to confront these losses and process my emotions so that I can move forward. The year begin with the loss of my grandfather and I found myself reflecting on mortality and purpose. When it's all said and done we exit this earth the same way we entered it; naked and without possession. So what really matters is how we utilize our time, the lives we touch, and the legacy we leave behind. I guess it also helps to exist in comfort during our time here but I think we spend too much time obsessing and stressing over how to obtain material things. I say this because I've been debating with the idea of purchasing a home and have been disappointed that this isn't happening as quickly as I would like. The reality of the situation is that I'm a social worker who put myself through one of the most recognized yet expensive social work grad programs in the country. I knew I wouldn't get rich yet I really didn't consider the long term financial repercussions of financing my education. At the end of the day I wouldn't change a thing because I would not have had a number of the experiences that this has afforded me. So I know that this will all come together in due time so I will be patient.
Ok, so that took me away from my original thoughts but I'm going back. My grandfathers death was followed by two car accidents (three if you count the guy the just rolled into my car at a stop sign) and the loss of full mobility in my left hand. Hence I had to say goodbye to my lovely little Corolla, a car that has been with me through the literal travels of my adult life. It was an emotional exchange, but Billy Dee ( my new truck) has filled the void quite sufficiently. The close of the year found me attending the funeral of a 17 year old former student, a tragic end to a young life. I may revisit this at some point because there were some issues the minister touched on during the funeral that didn't quite sit well with me. This will need an entire post all of its own. Finally and probably the most devastating was an unexpected change in a valued relationship. I'm still processing it and trying to figure out how to work through this challenge.
Needless to say, all of these events have been been fairly traumatic and somewhat overwhelming. For the most part I have simply swallowed the hurt and kept trekking. The very thing that I encourage the folks I see in counseling not to do. It's funny how you can, by profession, be the person who talks other people through their problems and encourages them to confront their emotions yet do the exact opposite personally. This is something that I've always struggled with and while I have made tremendous strides over the years it has not gotten any easier. Ironic that I ended up in this profession. Anywho, at the end of the day despite all of these losses I have grown and continue to grow. I've made lots of mistakes (some of them multiple times) but I am learning to accept things as they come and relinquish control of those things I have no control over.
With this said, I am headed into 2011 with a positive attitude and actually looking forward to the loss that this year will bring. I know that probably just caught you off guard (like wth??) but it all makes sense in my mind...I promise. Through each of the losses I experienced in 2010 I learned something about myself. Not saying that the loss has to be as extreme as those previously experienced but there is an aspect of loss that comes along with any change and growth so I'm planning on many positive changes in the new year. The major loss that I'm actually looking forward to is the loss of excess baggage/weight that I've been carrying for most of my life. I haven't talked about this with many people, but I am planning to have gastric bypass at some point in the near future. Probably towards the spring or summer. Now I've given this extensive thought over the past few years and after seeing the numbers on the scale creep up and up I've decided that it's time. I was initially concerned with what others would think and the judgement that would come along with this choice as there are many that say why not just diet and exercise. Honestly, if it was that easy nobody would be fat. There are so many biological, emotional, and lifestyle factors that contribute to obesity and at the end of the day I don't have to answer to anyone. I am the one who has to live with this decision. I am making this choice for my long term health and well being so send your blessings and positive vibes as I embark on this journey.
I feel lighter already!! I'm glad to have gotten this out and am looking forward to the purge and cleanse as I head into 2011. I am claiming that it will be a great year!
Peace & Blessings.
